


so many foreign homes

by green_piggy



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: "bond will you ever write Anything that isn't just. slice of life or slowburn af", (allen's there for like five seconds so i didn't tag him), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, ME LAUGHING INTO THE SUNSET:, Pre-Series, Slice of Life, havent published a fic for eight months, hope you enjoy!, im a genius, like if you don't know who they are Don't Read This, so Clearly the wise idea is to publish a gen fic for a fandom like. two of my friends know, spoilers for up to the end of the alma karma arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 13:10:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13975812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/green_piggy/pseuds/green_piggy
Summary: Kanda, meditation, and the people important to him.





	so many foreign homes

**Author's Note:**

> _softly aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas_  
>  this is my first finished fic for this fandom so forgive characterisation and stuff lmao... my best friend got me into dgm about two months ago and Ho Boy It's Been A Wild Two Months Of **Loving All These Children**  
>  hope you enjoy!!

The Black Order had a meditation room. Kanda, of course, hadn’t known until he and Marie had been dragged into it by Tiedoll.

They were all perched on mats, cross-legged, the only three people in the room. Marie shifted on his behind, frowning. Tiedoll just gave them an amused smile, his eyes wrinkling behind his glasses.

“Do you really think this will help?” Marie asked. He drummed his fingers on his shins, leaning forward slightly, looking very much like he wanted to get up and leave.

Tiedoll continued smiling. Kanda would impale himself before ever admitting it aloud, but his master’s smile always brought a sense of comfort – when the man wasn’t being a pain in the ass. It was sincere, _real_ , much more so than the many pained smiles he’d watched his fellow Exorcists bear.

(Alma’s had been sincere, too, but then it had become stained with red and Kanda was stopping that thought _right now_.)

“It would be better than doing nothing, wouldn’t you say?”

“This _is_ doing nothing,” Kanda spat. Tiedoll chuckled, the noise rumbling in the back of his throat. Kanda forgot, sometimes – a lot of the time, if he was to be honest – that the man sitting in front of them had killed, again and again and _again_ , and held that very same Innocence that Kanda loathed so much, that every Exorcist seemed to detest.

“You’ll see.” Tiedoll rested his hands on his knees. “Now, empty your minds…”

His instructions droned in Kanda’s ears, but he forced himself to listen. At first, all he could hear was the familiar echo of pumping blood, but when Tiedoll’s words started to become louder, it was then that he truly heard. He breathed in, _focused_ on that silence, and ignored everything else.

…And exhaled. He opened his eyes – when had he _closed_ them? Tiedoll was smiling at him, approval in his eyes. Marie, meanwhile, was shifting on his mat, eyebrows raised. He poked at the small tuft of hair at his neck, looking more than a little sceptical.

Kanda tapped his fingers on his knees. Marie tilted his head towards him.

“Did it work for you?” he asked.

“Hmm.”

Marie smiled. “Wish I could reap the same benefits you seem to be feeling.” A second later, he startled, whirling back to Tiedoll’s direction. “N-no offence, Master!”

A dramatic sniffle. “Oh, I don’t know, Marie…” Tiedoll whispered, voice wobbling. He swept a sleeve over his eyes. “I don’t know if this is _forgivable_ —”

Kanda and Marie both snorted.

Tiedoll did as well. His hands rested in his lap, his sleeves drowning pale skin. “It’s fine, Marie. Not everyone takes to meditation. I think Klaud would rather set herself on fire than ever meditate.”

Marie guffawed, grinning to himself.

“Klaud?” Kanda asked.

“She’s a general,” Marie explained. “Klaud Nine. Not a woman you want to cross.”

Tiedoll sighed, resting a hand on his forehead. “If only Cross would get that into his head… but I digress.”

“Perhaps if I still had my sight, I would take better to it,” Marie mused, cupping his chin in his hand. The early morning's sunbeams bounced off his rings of Innocence.

“Perhaps.” Tiedoll turned his smile onto Kanda. “Yu?”

He grunted. “It’s boring.”

“I knew you’d say that,” he said with a quiet chuckle. “You two don’t have to stay here. I just wanted to show you that this room existed. It’s a quiet place if you ever want some time away from the others; very few people come in here. Johnny, on occasion, and Kevin, but barely anyone apart from those two.”

With that, Tiedoll bid them farewell, stating that he was running late for a meeting with Komui. Kanda and Marie stayed for a bit longer, but when Marie’s boredom was almost _deafening_ in Kanda’s ears, they had a quick sparring match before leaving as well.

Marie didn’t come back to the room ever again – at least, not for meditation. After a few days, once he was _certain_ that Tiedoll had lost faith in him, Kanda crept into the room on a sleepless spring’s night, pulled out a mat, and _breathed_.

So deep he had been in his mind that he hadn’t noticed Tiedoll stopping by the door, watching him for a few seconds with a smile softer than cotton.

* * *

Lenalee arrived to breakfast just as Kanda was finishing up his. It would have been difficult to miss her, what with her whispering stuttered apologies to no one and everyone. Her tray, dwarfing the cold porridge and sorry looking banana clattering about on top of it, trembled in her wan fingers. She slid into the seat next to him without a word, ducking her head and picking at her nails.

Kanda stood up and said nothing upon his return. Instead, he slid a spoon under her hands and rested a small glass of water next to her banana. She startled, glancing up at him with bloodshot eyes, then managed a small smile.

“T-thank you,” she whispered. She jabbed at the porridge lumps, hand clenching and loosening on the table.

Kanda blinked. He sighed, internally, and looked at her again.

“Nightmare?”

She stopped, for what felt like forever, gazing at him with the eyes of a startled prey. Then, almost inaudibly, she sighed and sagged in her seat.

“Y-yeah. I—” She swallowed. “I didn’t sleep much last night. And I’m trying to forget about it, I really am.” Her spoon broke through the porridge’s surface. “But…”

“You can’t.”

She nodded.

He shifted on his seat, looking around at the rest of the canteen. Barely anyone else was around, save for a couple of haggard-looking cleaning stuff. One of them was moping a coffee stain from where Komui had been sitting while hissing words that would have made Lenalee blush. Jeryy’s crooning was impossible to ignore, his terrible voice shrilling from within the kitchen.

It was familiar. Comfortable. Perhaps in another life – a kinder life – Kanda may have considered this place to be home.

“Do you have a mission today?”

Lenalee shook her head.

“Come with me when you finish eating.”

“Hmm?” She looked at him with a small tilt of her head, but Kanda just grunted and looked away.

She pushed away her food after only a few minutes. Kanda frowned, but swiped the banana before she could throw it away. She blinked at him, owlishly. Kanda stared back.

She sighed, turning away, but there was a hint of a smile on her face. That was always a good start. Lenalee wasn’t _Lenalee_ when she wasn’t smiling.

He waited for her at the entrance, and once she stopped next to him, they went off together. Kanda kept his march brisk, not allowing Lenalee to stop and apologise and beat out excuses to the countless scientists and finders they came across.

“K-Kanda, slow down!” she said, as though she wasn’t the one whose Innocence allowed her to move at supersonic speeds. Really, she had no problem keeping up with his pace. “Where are we going?”

The banana in his hand gave a pitiful squeak as he clenched it. “Somewhere for you to relax.”

“Huh?”

“Wait until we get there.”

When they arrived, he pushed the door open, holding it with his foot to let Lenalee in. She took a couple of steps in, making a noise of awe. Kanda kicked the door shut behind them.

“This is…” She turned around to face him. “The meditation room, right? I’ve never come in here myself.” She frowned. “But why—”

“Take a _wild_ guess at what we’re going to do,” Kanda said.

Lenalee giggled, a hand at her mouth. Her eyes still looked haunted, but – she was marginally better than earlier, definitely. She was a terrible liar; Kanda would know if her smile was fake in a heartbeat. “I sort of brought that upon myself, huh?”

He grunted. “Get somewhere comfortable. I’ll bring over the mats.” He tossed the banana at her. “And eat this. You need food.”

“Ah - _ah_!” She juggled it in her hands but managed to catch it. “Kanda—”

He didn’t wait for her reply, instead trudging off to get the mats. One of them was almost shiny new, the other one tattered and colour-faded from usage. He gathered them both into his arms and dropped the new one in front of Lenalee, who stared at him with half a banana dangling out of her mouth.

“Sit on it.”

“Bwaghh?”

The mat made a harsh _slap_ as it flopped on the wooden flooring. Kanda sat down next to Lenalee and folded his legs. “Copy my pose whenever you’re finished.”

It didn’t take her long. She draped the banana skin on the floor next to her, then shuffled onto the mat Kanda had positioned. Glancing over at him, she sighed and straightened her back, stretching out her legs and crossing them one over the other.

“So.” Kanda turned his head. “Do you know the basics or not?”

Much to his surprise, she nodded. “Yeah, I do. Big brother told me about it, a couple of times, but he never had enough time to practice it with me.” Her smile was somewhat wobbly, and oh _hell_ , Kanda was no good with tears. She looked at him, though, and it became softer. “But I guess I have someone now, right?”

Kanda said nothing, grunting and turning away. Lenalee laughed, her voice hoarse but sincere.

“I won’t bother you _too_ much, but… thank you, Kanda.”

“Che. Focus on meditating.”

She laughed again, and then they both fell into silence.

The sun was high in the sky by the time Lenalee yawned and stretched, her toes cracking as she wiggled them about. It was perfect timing; Kanda was about ready to beat up an Exorcist or two.

Lenaee stood first, stretching out her entire body, then turning and offering Kanda a hand up. “Wanna go practice for a bit?”

He took her hand and allowed her to pull him up.  “Sure.”

He gathered the mats and tucked them away, picked up Lenalee’s banana peel, then they both went off for yet another day of training. This day, though, promised to be kinder than the night before.

* * *

Kanda was skilled at many things, probably no small thanks to having an Exorcist’s soul shoved into his body from before birth. One of his particular gifts was to avoid annoying people. Two steps: the first step, and one that almost always worked, was to threaten them with Mugen. If that failed, he just tuned them out.

Unfortunately, Lavi, arguably the most annoying person Kanda had ever had the misfortune of knowing (and he knew _Bak_ ), was impervious to both. He just _laughed_ anytime Kanda pulled out Mugen, even during their first meeting, and his voice was _just_ the perfect pitch to be impossible to ignore.

He was trying. God, he was _trying_.

…To his credit, Lavi wasn’t talking _that_ much. He was in the corner of the room, book on his lap, but his eye kept flickering up to Kanda, and it was _impossible_ to relax around someone he wasn’t comfortable with.

Lenalee? She was fine. She knew when to be quiet, and… well. She was a little sister, almost, and he had _not_ just thought that. But… they’d grown up together. He knew virtually everything about her, and she, in turn, knew more about him than pretty much anyone else.

(Alma’s laugh sung in his ears. Kanda clenched his teeth and forced his thoughts away, faster, harder. He would take that with him to his grave.)

Marie? No problem. Daisya was as tolerable as any man like him could ever hope to be. Tiedoll hadn’t been around much lately, only dropping in every couple of months to give reports, but he always, _always_ made certain to check in on the three of them no matter where they were.

Lavi and Bookman, though, had popped out of thin air a few months prior and had _both_ been able to synchronise with the Innocence. That by itself was questionable, but fine. Kanda had seen stranger, had been _born_ into stranger.

Then all the rumours about the ‘Bookman clan’ started flying around the Order.

Everyone knew the basics. Bookmen recorded history – ‘hidden’ history, whatever the hell that was. They didn’t take sides. They didn’t let emotions intervene. They stayed, for as long as war continued, then slipped away to another land ravaged by battle as soon as they’d finished observing the current one.

Kanda didn’t understand how _anyone_ could live like that. And for all the obnoxious shit Lavi prattled out of that gabby mouth of his, Kanda knew very, very little about the boy himself.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Lavi sang, voice echoing in the empty room. “Looking a bit lost in thought there, Yu.”

Kanda’s eyes snapped open. “Don’t _call_ me that.”

And – there it was, that familiar peal of laughter that held no warmth. Lavi’s smile, as always, looked as though he’d read up perfectly on _how_ to do it – on how to make your eye wrinkle, how to make your mouth curve, how to affect your voice just right – but had no idea that the gesture usually held some kind of emotion behind it.

It was – well. Kanda wouldn’t call it _disturbing_ (disturbing was Alma laughing as a carcass hacked out blood, impaled on an angel’s wing protruding from a demon’s body), but it was the best word he could get for it.

Most people wouldn’t have noticed. Kanda didn’t doubt that for a second.

Kanda _had_ to notice, though. When you spent your entire lifetime (as short as his had been) fighting, trusting no one and always looking out for the worst, you were quick to analyse and quicker to suspect.

“But it’s your _name_ ,” Lavi insisted, his fingers perfectly still around the top of his book. “What else am I meant to call ya?”

“Kanda, like _everyone else_ ,” he snarled.

Lavi hummed. “General Tiedoll calls you Yu.”

“ _How_ —”

He laughed again, sole eye reflecting the late afternoon sun that poured in through one of the room’s many windows. “Aren’t we friends?”

“What, are you saying that Lenalee isn’t my friend?”

“Oh, so you _do_ consider her a friend!”

Kanda clamped his mouth shut. He looked away. “Shut up. Go back to reading.”

“Alright, alright,” Lavi said, sounding amused. He turned back, eye jumping to Kanda. His book crinkled softly as he turned the page, then he curled his knees closer to his chest and continued reading.

Despite the silence, Kanda couldn’t _relax_ . Every time he closed his eyes, he could _feel_ Lavi staring at him. Not that he had any proof; anytime he _did_ open them, Lavi’s sole eye was skimming his book. The gentle noise of him turning pages occurred _way_ too often for him to actually be reading it, unless he was some sort of freak speed reader.

It carried on like this, for some time, then Kanda sighed and slammed his hands down either side of him. Lavi glanced up with a disinterested eye.

“What’s up, Y—"

“ _Look_ ,” Kanda hissed. “I don’t – unless you’re meditating, get out. I don’t want you here.”

“Eh. Never been a fan of meditation.” Lavi said, book resting on his knee as he exaggerated the stretch of his arms over his head and the mighty yawn he made. “Gramps is, though. You should invite him along some time.”

“I’ll take him over you any day.”

“Is it ‘cause you’re a grouchy old man like he is?” Lavi burst into laughter at Kanda’s scowl. “You’re just provin’ my point, y’know.”

“Why aren’t you reading in the library?” Or literally _anywhere_ else.

Lavi winked – or blinked, maybe. It was impossible to tell which. “What, am I forbidden from spending time with a dear friend, Yu?”

“ _Stop_ calling me that.” He could _feel_ a headache forming. “I can’t concentrate with you here. Get out.”

Lavi arched an eyebrow, barely visible under that mess he called hair and his thick headband. “I’m sitting here. In the corner. Reading a book. I’m not _that_ loud, am I?”

“You’re _here_.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Lavi flapped a hand. Kanda was about ready to march over and throttle him, but then Lavi stood, yawning again. He tucked his book under his arm and gave Kanda another grin. Much like his eye, it held nothing but the reflection of the late afternoon’s dying sun. “I’ve seen enough, anyway.” He weaved past Kanda and bopped his head with his book, still grinning. “See ya later!”

The door groaned shut behind him in no time at all, the boy gone as quickly as he had came. Kanda blinked, then sighed and tried to go back to quieting his mind.

Lavi, though – that empty, empty eye, and that empty, empty smile – wouldn’t leave his thoughts.

* * *

The door creaked open.

“K- _Kanda?_ ”

“Che. Why the hell are _you_ here?”

“Like I’d ever want to be in the same room as _you_! I was going to the kitchen!”

“This is the meditation room, Beansprout. The opposite end of the building. _Idiot_.”

“You wanna turn around and say that to my face!?”

“Like you’re worth the effort.”

“I am _so_ worth the effort!”

The door slammed shut.

* * *

The door’s howling wail was deafening in the late night’s silence. Kanda blinked, returning to reality, and he made to turn around and snarl before he stopped.

Miranda was at the door, eyes skittishly wide, her fingers wringing one another so hard that Kanda was surprised they didn’t pop. She let out a squeal, as if _she_ wasn’t the one who had walked in, ducking behind the door.

Kanda sighed.

“What’s up?” he called, not moving from his position. He was _comfortable_ , and Miranda was one of the very few people he knew he could trust with his life.

“I-I—”

“Miranda.”

He heard her take a deep breath. Then, slowly, very slowly, she crept in, bare toes clicking against the wooden panels. She closed the door behind her.

“I – uh—”

“Out with it.”

“Lenalee said—” Kanda pinched his nose with an inaudible sigh, because of _course_. “—she said that, uh, you meditated sometimes, to help relax?”

“And?”

“I was…” She sounded like she was about to start _crying_ . The fact that she was, what, seven(teen) years older than him, was _baffling_. She certainly didn’t act like it. “I was wondering if you, um, wouldn’t mind showing me?”

Kanda blinked. Once, twice. No time had passed at all, but already, Miranda was scuttling back, apologies spilling from her lips—

“Stop.”

She yelped, hands clutching one another in front of her chest, but she didn’t move again.

“There’s a mat in the corner. Under the leftmost window.” Kanda stretched out his legs and allowed them to relax. “Grab it. I’ll show you.”

“Oh, you _will_ !?” In a flash, Miranda was in front of him, swinging his hand with enthusiasm enough to dislocate his shoulder. Were those _tears_ brimming in her eyes? “Oh, thank you _so_ much Kanda, thank you thank you—”

He yanked his arm away. “Just get the damn mat!”

She – somehow – stumbled over the mat while dragging it along the floor, but was sitting in front of him soon enough. Her pyjamas were scruffy, wearing at the bottom – Kanda would have to ask Komui about getting new ones. Not _just_ for her, of course. He needed new ones as well. Might as well get some for her (and the others) while he was at it.

Miranda was still beaming that child-like smile that Kanda hadn’t ever seen on an actual kid. Definitely not himself (had he or Alma ever been children, truly? Were they still children, despite their age, when they’d experienced death again and again and _again?_ ) or on Lenalee, or on any of the countless too-young Exorcists that Kanda had watched come and die over the many years.

No one’s smile had been as wide or as _happy_ as hers so often were. Kanda bit down on his lip to hide his own quirking mouth.

“It’s not complicated,” he said. “Just empty your mind.”

Miranda frowned. “…How?”

“Stop thinking.”

“If I could do that, my insomnia would have been cured years ago!”

“Tch.” Kanda rubbed his head. “Just… breathe naturally.” He frowned. “Sit up straight, you’ll become a bagel with that posture.”

Miranda yelped, straightening herself up so taut that it _must_ have been painful.

“Not _that_ much,” he muttered. “Relax, but don’t slouch. Don’t curl in on yourself. There’s no one to bother here – not that you _do_ ever bother anyone.”

She looked at him. “Y-you really think that..?”

“I _know_ that.”

Her smile – God. In that second, Kanda hoped, more than anything, that nothing would ever take that smile away.

The Black Order, however, was not kind.

He coughed. “Focus on your breathing. Breathe in—” He took a deep breath through his nose. “And hold it for several seconds, then slowly release.”

“O-okay.” Miranda nodded. She closed her eyes, tilted her head back, and made the most ungodly _loud_ inhale that Kanda had ever heard anyone make. It was as though an elephant was spluttering on water.

“Not like _that_ !” he hissed. “ _Quietly._ Naturally. Don’t make a big fuss out of it.”

“S-sorry…” She ducked her head in apology, then closed her eyes, preparing herself, before attempting again.

Not perfect, but much better than her first attempt; she no longer sounded like she was dying at least. Kanda nodded.

“Hold it.” She did so, until Kanda’s next words: “And release.”

She was quick to get the hang of it, once Kanda had corrected her a small handful of times. They sat there, opposite one another, eyes shut, both doing nothing but _breathing_.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the nightmares that had been clinging to Kanda’s mind drifted away. When he opened his eyes again, the stars were low in the sky outside, peeking out from among a sea of dark clouds.

Light, even in the darkest of hours. Poetic, almost, if he was one for literature.

He looked over to Miranda. She was as peaceful as he had ever seen her; she wasn’t frowning, or fretting, or fidgeting about. Utterly still, hands on her crossed legs, breathing shallowly.

It was a good thing to see. She didn’t relax enough, and she had arguably the most strenuous Innocence of them all. Certainly not an Innocence that any of the rest of them could carry.

He could think of fewer things he’d loathe. Miranda’s Innocence wasn’t made for fighting; it was for _protection_ , for taking blow after blow for your loved ones, for watching them fall around you and knowing that you couldn’t avenge them, that you had to stay strong, no matter _what_.

That kind of strength? It wasn’t a kind that Kanda possessed. It was admirable.

Miranda’s eyes fluttered open. She startled; Kanda grunted and glanced away, letting her recover herself.

“A-ah, I’m s—”

“Feeling any better?”

She blinked, then broke out into a small smile. “I… am, actually. Yes.” She leaned forward on her hands. “Thank you for showing me, Kanda. Do _you_ feel any better?”

“I was feeling fine to begin with,” he snapped. He didn’t _want_ to imagine how late in the night it must have been. “We should go, though. You have a mission tomorrow, right?”

“I do, but don’t worry about that!” She beamed. “I’m used to managing on little to no sleep!”

Delivering such mortifying statements with such _cheerfulness_ … what a Miranda thing to do. Kanda couldn’t help his smile. He turned away as he stood. “Well, _don’t_ get used to it. You need to get a decent sleep, starting now.”

“Kanda…”

“Last thing we need is you collapsing.” He picked up his mat and waited for Miranda to stand, then took hers and tucked them both away in the corner. He didn’t wait for her, instead walking past and not doubting that she would follow. “C’mon.”

“C-coming!” Her toes tip-tapped the floor as she hurried after him. Kanda pushed open the door and let Miranda past, closing it quietly behind him. She was beaming at him as they turned to walk down the corridor together, and if Kanda felt a bit better for having a friend at his side… well.

He wouldn’t say that, of course, but somehow, he thought that Miranda already knew.

He walked her to her bedroom, and when he got to his, he fell into the most peaceful sleep he’d had for weeks.


End file.
